What a snooze fest!
God that felt like it was dragging on forever and ever! Maybe it’s because I was listening to it on NPR and not watching it on television, so I couldn’t see things like, Maxine of the Sassy Old Lady Hallmark Cards line chillin in the crowd, bringing LQQKS.
Either way, I was pretty bored out of my skull listening to everyone before Sandra Fluke, who for not being a lifelong politician, gave a pretty good speech about how the Republicans are misogynistic assholes. You may remember her as the person Imperial Asshole Supreme Rush Limbaugh called a slut because she thinks that contraception is an important health issue. The great thing about this speech was that it didn’t focus on what a moronic windbag said on his stupid radio show that only insane people and Al Franken listen to, but instead on how no one in the RNC spoke out against it.
I read somewhere this morning that Barney Frank spoke last night, but I know I didn’t hear him and this morning, I can’t find any video of it having happened so, well… that would have been nice, eh? If he did speak, they put more important and boring folks on in better slots. Here’s a picture of Barney Frank because I like him and I like his face.
Eventually, someone heard my prayers and put Elizabeth Warren on the stage. God damn do I love Elizabeth Warren. I don’t understand why she can’t be king. I would like that. I trust her. I think she’s a good person. That’s probably why everyone in their mother is trying to stop her from getting into an official place of power. Her election in Massachusetts isn’t looking too hot, so if you’re in a position to help that campaign out, you should because she is the type of people we need determining policy, now more than ever.
And then there’s Bill…
Bill gave the speech of a lifetime that lasted a lifetime last night. The convention and the internet went fucking ballistic for him and while I am sure there was a small part of that due to how boring most of the night was, Bill Clinton is the Led Zeppelin of political speaking.
Oh Bill, you give me all of the feelings. I remember in the late 90’s, I was fucking furious with you. Not because you like to fuck or that you lied about it. Truth be told, your trying to get someone to define the meaning of the word “is,” was, one of the most magnificently played Eddie Haskell moments of all time. I liked that your first act as president was getting your favorite band back together. And you are an amazing speaker, no doubt about it. But as the 90’s came to a close and the Al Gore campaign was getting into gear, I was real fucking sour on you, pal. So sour that I went in full on, guns blazing support for Ralph Nader, because while you are charming as all get, you passed some really, really fucked up free trade policies and I just cannot get behind that.
Of course, with the
election usurping of the election by Emperor Cowboy, followed by the devastation on 9/11, I realized that A. Ralph Nader was not the guy for the job after all and that B. god damn it, I fucking missed you. Even though you had laid the foundation for the financial meltdown that would bring the entire country to its knees by 2008, I realized how good we had it, even it if it was some serious settling for the lesser of most evils, when you were in charge. While I will never forgive the Democratic Party for totally leaving your cheese in the wind when you got busted for some blow jobs, I’ll also never be able to forget that you were the mastermind behind the Free Trade Zone expansions.
How you’ve managed to go from party pariah, to party demigog all the while managing to avoid getting a splash of blame for the economic collapse on your incredibly stunning hair is beyond me, but then again, I guess they didn’t call you Slick Willie for nothing.