MMXII: Year in Review with Erin O’Neal
Roman Numerals make things more important, mostly because you have to ask an adult what they mean because adults are old and from Rome and read Roman numerals and also they are official. I considered writing this year end recap in Latin so that you would all think I was really adult and official but then I spilled barbecue sauce on my keyboard and forgot about it.
HEY WHAT A YEAR AMIRITE! Twelve months, 366 days, 52 weeks, 12 periods and an election! WOOOOO!!! My year started out not knowing where my tie or my person was and before you knew it… Oh, this isn’t my personal life recap where I tell you about how fucking rad I am? I have to review this for like, everyone? I got a lot a nerve, eh?
Let’s see…Well, in news where the more things change the more they stay the same, the year started with turmoil in the Middle East and ended with turmoil in the Middle East. CERN discovered basically the entire meaning of the universe and ahead of schedule and most of America barely noticed because the Olympics or something but glued themselves to the internet three months later to watch some dickhead kind of jump out of a thing that was kind of but not really in space. Dick Clark died but no one noticed that either because you know, he’s looked dead for the last five years and I’m sure no one will notice again this year when they put him on the air for NYE. Oh and a pastel version of The Scream by Edvard Munch became the most expensive piece of art ever sold at auction, proving once and for all that Art is Seriously Dead except of course the amazing moment in time where Cecilia Gimenez’s guerrilla restoration made the entire world stop for a moment to care about priceless frescos again.
Some super dumb shit happened like that awful thing with Dave Grohl and the lame Beatle that moms prefer and that Portlandia extra who someone tried to say was Krist Novoselic playing some Led Zeppelin b-side cover song to help Hurricane Sandy relief. Oh yeah, New York was underwater for a moment, in a surprise to no one, most people continued to “debate” climate science because burning fossil fuels is what Jesus would have wanted us to do; that’s why he killed the dinosaurs, obviously. Lady Gaga continued to be the Imperial Mascot for All Things Boring and Reheated and celebrities continued to look better than the rest of us.
But hey, enough of being cynical, some good stuff happened too, right? Like, we all agreed that we love Amy Poehler! We don’t have to look at Mitt Romney’s blockhead anymore! No more jokes about the dog on the roof of the car! No more hearing about how really rich people have elevators on their toilet seats! And in even better news, the majority of Americans decided that they weren’t going to let the Koch Brothers and their crazy army of The He Man Woman Haters Club freak them out into giving up all the money and their agency and unlimited war!
Elizabeth Warren finally got put into a position of power! Lots and lots of LGBTQ people got elected in local and state elections, so many that it took a few weeks for everyone to realize how many. And how about Occupy starting the Rolling Jubilee and buying up all that debt for pennies on the dollar and forgiving it? That right there is something great that doesn’t get nearly enough pizza parties.
I guess there was enough good to justify doing it all over again for 2013, eh? Some good stuff, some bad stuff, some really really bad stuff, some super amazing things and hopefully we all come through it at the end together a little wiser, a little closer and a little more determined to try and make things a little better for each other in the future. I hope all of you have an amazing 2013 and if not, mock that bullshit until you do.